Wow! Its almost over. I have a little less than 12 hours left here at Rutgers. Today has been such a hectic day. I am filled with soo many different emotions. And I know before the end of the night I'm going to be hysterical. I've cried a couple times already, but I know the water works are coming later.

I didn't go to bed last night until 4 am. I was up talking to someone online alllll night. I woke up @ 7 and then I tossed and turned until 7:45. I finally got up and headed over to my American Politics exam @ 8. It took me about an hour and 45 minutes and I think I did pretty good. Then I came back to my room. I slept until lunch. I ate lunch. Then I wrote a paper for Bio Soc and then studied for the exam @ 8 pm. My brother Jonny stopped by in the afternoon and picked up some of my shit. This way I don't have as much to move out tomorrow and I can fit all of my stuff in Robin's car tomorrow morning. After packing and writing the paper, I accidentally fell asleep till dinner. I studied during dinner and straight up till the exam, and I think I did alright on that too. So I guess we'll see how everything turned out!

So now I'm just back here at the dorm. I just watched American Idol and Anthony went HOME! HOOORAY! I'm lovin it! I'm sitting around my room with the rest of my girlfriends that haven't moved out yet. Missy is already gone, Saima is leaving tonight. So tonight its gonna be me, my roommate Jess, Asian Jess, and Stina. We're supposed to be going out to Pike for a party but I'm not sure how that's gonna pan out. Then afterwards we're gonna have a sleep over in my room. Its gonna be soo sad leaving tomorrow. I'm soo excited to go home and just start my summer. I'm soo happy that school is finally over! But I'm just going to miss my friends soo much. I know I'm gonna see them over the summer though. My friend Asian Jess is gonna be in SP a lot cause she's going to be a summer orientation leader here on Livingston. And instead of traveling back and forth all the time, she's gonna stay with me a couple nights over the summer. So its going to be sad leaving but its not like I'm gonna see them. And now I get to spend more time with my friends from home! AND THAT REALLY makes me happy!! ahh I can't wait to get this summer started. I know its going to be WICKED awesome!!

Oh and just a little update on the BOY situation .. I'm such a sucker! I can't help it! I talked to him last night and we like picked up right where we left off. And he was genuinely happy to hear from me. And he's supposed to be calling me tonight. I definitely learned a few lessons. I learned that I should NEVER assume .. especially with him because I'm usually wrong. But from the whole experience I also learned not to expect anything from him either. So I'm not gonna get my hopes up about him calling. I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends ONE LAST TIME and I'm not gonna worry about him .. its not worth it! So I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready now. That's all for now I think ...

I'm out

I'm sooo confused right now its not even funny. And here's the deal, I'm trying not to go like too far into it cause I'll be typing for hours. So I'm gonna try to keep it short but this will still be a relatively long entry I think. And the only reason I'm openly talking about this is because i feel that the few people that actually do read my blog are my friends and I'm just the kind of person to tell my friends everything soo I don't mind that they know. And if I don't know the person reading this, I still don't care cause it doesn't affect anyone. So if anything, this is just going to be therapeutic for me LoL. Ok, so lets start out with the basis of my confusion:

BOYS:

Basically I just don't get them. And I'm sorry but when one of them fucks up, it just messes things up for the entire male race LoL. I can't help but assume that ALL guys are alike. That's just been my experience in life. I've let certain guys in, and I trusted them and that trust was broken. I just keep setting myself up to get hurt. So this way if I just assume that all boys are gonna be the same, I'm less likely to get hurt. And just hope that one day the right one will open up my eyes and prove me totally wrong about guys. But until that day, I'm gonna just keep on believing my theory that guys suck.

Now you might be well what's making me say these things. Well I'll tell you .. I was just recently dicked over again. I won't mention names because I don't want to take all of the mystery away LoL. But whatever I was "talking" with someone for about two months I'd say. And things were really good, but they kinda got real serious real quick. And it wasn't something that he was ready for I guess. But things just got weird. I was under the assumption that he didn't want to talk to me anymore because he made it very clear that we were not exclusive nor would it be something that he wanted to any time soon. And I don't know, it just hurt because that's not how it used to be. He told me that he didn't want to be just friends with benefits with me, and that if we went out it would be for longer that I ever went out with my ex-bf, and he even asked me what I would say if he asked me to be his gf. Foolishly, I said yes. Now looking back on all of it, I kind of regret it. Like I regret being soo "relationship happy" ya know. Cause honestly I don't feel that way at all anymore. Like a relationship would've been awesome, but not then, not now. Somewhere down the road, I could see something working out, but I'm realizing now how I'm still not ready to be tied down. Cause like summer's coming .. who knows what summer is gonna bring ya know? And like another thing is that when it comes down to it, I didn't know him well enough to go out with him. We had a ways to go, but things just got real serious real quick. And out of no where it just ended. We used to talk on the phone every day, and I'd see him every weekend which was good cause we don't go to the same school. But randomly one day things just got weird. And that's when he told me that we weren't exclusive yada yada yada. So initially I got upset about it cause it was just a shock. And for a whole week after that I tried really hard to figure out what the deal was. Like he told me that things were still the same and that we would still hook up and everything. So I tried to believe it, but he also told me that we would go out for a long time and that wasn't true so I just didn't know what to believe anymore. And that's where the whole not trusting boys thing comes in. And like gradually after that I just gave up. He just got shadier and shadier. He stopped calling, he stopped iming me, and on the rare occasion he would im he wouldn't call me cutie or babe the way he used to. So I took the hint and I gave up. There was no point in holding on cause it was clearly not something that he wanted anymore. So here I've been, for a good month or so just trying to let it go. Instead of getting over him, I just kind of put him on the back burner - outta sight outta mind type deal. So I mean I've hooked up with other guys since but nothin major. Just tryin to forget about him. And he's made two very weak attempts to talk to me since everything got weird. But they didn't seem like anything big. It just seemed like he was trying to cover his tracks, just to make sure that I didn't hate him or anything. But other than that, communication between us has been well .. non-existent. So I mean I've made my assumptions about him, like clearly cause I assumed that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Like even though he told me everything was fine and that his feelings didn't change for me he just didn't act like it, but whatever I made and assumption and I stuck with it. I made another assumption after I saw a quote in his profile. It said something about being in soo in love. So I see it and I assume that's he back with his ex. Then I ask one of our mutual friends about it and this friend told me that I was right. So this just adds fuel to the fire and makes me even more mad, but whatever I just tried to forget about it and just let it go.

So yeaa since all of this life has been good, or at least I pretend that life is good cause I can't let him see that I'm upset that he left ya know. I figured if I acted like it didn't phase me, he'd see that and just magically realize that he'd want me back. So I've been tryin to play that card for a while now. Hasn't worked to well cause I wear my heart on my sleeve, but to him I think I got my point across. Well, then today happens .. and today .. ughhh !! just makes me soo made at life! LoL

My sister ran into him today and was basically like .. why did you stop comin around .. ya know stuff to that effect. And I'm not gonna go into total detail about it .. but basically he said that we stopped talking because I stopped talking to him. He said that I stopped calling and he just figured I didn't want to talk to him anymore and he was just "taking a hint". Oh, then my sis brings up the whole .. she knows you're back with your ex-gf thing .. and he was like she's totally wrong. He's not back with his ex-gf. He put that love shit in his profile so that people like me could read it and react the way I did. Basically the whole time he was saying that I was totally wrong about everything and my assumptions were way off. And he did actually genuinely like me. My sis seems to think that he still does, but I'm not sure of anything anymore. She said something to him about hooking us back up and he was like you could try. But he said that he wasn't gonna call me cause he still feels that he was just taking a hint and he just feels like i wasn't interested anymore. Soo ughhh!

Here I am now! And I'm soo confused! Its at the point where like, I'd like to start talking to him again. Like we had a lot of fun while were together, so it would just be a waste to throw it all away. And I'm at a point where I can honestly say that I'm fine with the whole not being exlusive thing. Like I've hooked up with other people and I've met a really nice guy that maybe someday I'd like to give it a chance and like I said its summer! I just want to take life one step at a time right now. This just makes life that much more confusing. And I haven't decided how to handle this either. He's not gonna be my first concern anymore. Being with him just made me realize how much more important my friends are then guys are. I don't want to miss out on anything this summer cause of some guy! I gotta make this summer about me! I've gotta worry about making me happy now, not him. So I guess we'll see where it goes, but its not the end of the world if it doesn't go anywhere.

Wow, I know its corny but writing all of this reallly did help. Ahhh its good to get that off my chest! I don't think anyone is gonna read this once they see how long it is. But if you do, you're gonna know me soo much better LoL. I've gotta go to bed cause my roommate is making me! LoL Thanks to anyone who actually reads this LoL I give you a lot of credit!

I'm out

Ok so can I tell you .. last night was SOOO much fun! When I got home from dinner at my beach house I headed straight over to Stacey's. As soon as I walked in Eric MADE me take a shot of tequila cause I was late LoL. Well I shouldn't say MADE me cause I didn't really resist. But let me tell you it was pretty gross. Everyone else had been there for a while and it seemed like everyone was pretttty drunk by the time I got there so I just had to catch up. So I had 2 shoots of tequila and then a beer. Then I played pong and Stacey was my partner! AND WE WON! It was sweeet! And I had to drink for her so that's 2 more beers right there. Then we all went to her backyard just to hang out. I nursed another beer while I was out there. We all had this REALLY good heart to heart LoL. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but it was a really good conversation none-the-less LoL. Then at some point we headed over to Quik Chek cause people wanted food. So the handful of us that were left all headed over there. And then when we came back we were all pretttty tired soo my bro came and picked me up. Oh but before I left we were cleaning up all the beer that was left. And I think that there were just two full beers on the table so instead of throwing them away me and Eric CHUGGED them. And I think I beat him at that too but I kinda don't really remember LoL. But yea, so I went home. And I went online, hung out with my sis for a bit cause she likes seeing me drunk LoL. But she wasn't around for very long cause she wanted to go to bed. But I stayed online, and I was talking to people for hours after that. I didn't actually fall asleep until 5:30. That was after I drunkenly made myself Mac and Cheese and proceeded to eat like NONE of it! But yea, I was talking to that *new someone* all night .. that's basically why I stayed up soo late. It's just really nice to be talking to a guy and like actually have him be generally interested in getting to know me and not just using me as a piece of ass. Like honestly, I don't know if this is gonna end up going anywhere cause he's from RU and he lives like 30 mins away and school is ending in 3 days! So I don't know, I could see it going somewhere if summer wasn't about to start .. but it is! So what are ya gonna do .. ya know. Its just nice to have someone to keep my mind off of the ASS that I've mentioned before. Soo overall a verry good night for me. I had soo much fun over Stacey's .. I missed her soo much! It was soo good hanging out with her again! And Eric is just soo much fun too! I have a feeling I'm gonna be hanging out with them a WHOLE lot over the summer! Which is also verrry exciting LoL! Well this is all for now! I've gotta try and study for my Comp exam that I'm most likely going to fail. But we will see I guess!

I'm out!

I'm gonna try to make this a quick one. I don't have a lot of time cause I gotta head over to my grandma's soon to have dinner.

Yesterday I woke up EXTREMELY early for me. I got up at 7, and the night before I didn't go to bed until 4. I had to wake up to study for my exam that I had @ 12. I woke up and studied straight up until I had the exam. And it wasn't that bad, I wish I hadn't saved all of my studying until the last minute, but WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?! After my exam I started packing up my stuff cause school's almost over and its almost time to come home . I didn't do much else the rest of the day. At night I went to the movies with Robin, Tom, Nick, and my friends from school Lauren, Missy, and Stina. We saw House of Wax. I thought it was sooo good. I hate HATE hate scary movies, so it took a lot for me to go see it but I felt like I HAD to see it. I had a dream about it the other night and when I woke up I was like .. I have to see this movie. And it wasn't too scary, just the right amount of scary. I cried twice cause i was so scared LoL but I'm such a wimp its ridiculous! It was a really good movie though. I def recommend seeing it. If for no other reason than to see Chad Michael Murray with his shirt off. That made the whole movie worth while! ahhhhh! After the movie I went back to school and I was online for the rest of the night. I talked online to a new *someone* until literally 6 in the morning. And that's always exciting LoL. Its just soo nice to finally be moved on from the last ASS that broke my heart. (that's a whole other story, but if you want to hear it, just ask)

Today, I woke up. My bro Benny came and picked me up and we went to the mall. I got my mom a Mother's Day present. And now we're just waiting for my brother Jon to hurry his bitch as up so we can leave! ugh! with that said I should get going!

(oh and i think i'm going to stacey's tonight to hang out .. I'M SOO EXCITED !! )

Copy n Paste this into your Blog...bold watever IS TRUE

01. I miss somebody right now

02. I don't watch much TV these days

03. I love olives (black ones)

04. I love sleeping

05. I own lots of books.

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses

07. I love to play video games

08. I've tried marijuana

09. I've watched porn movies

10. I have been in a threesome

11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship

12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy - although I don't always follow that

13. I have acne free skin

14. I like and respect Al Sharpton - I don't know who Al Sharpton is

15. I curse frequently...well sometimes

16. I have changed alot mentally over the last year

17. I have a hobby

18. I've been told I can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch.

19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me

20. I'm really, really smart

21. I've never broken someone's bones

22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal

23. I hate the rain

24. I'm paranoid at times 

25. I need money right now

26. I love Sushi

27. I talk really, really fast sometimes

28. I have fresh breath in the morning

29. I have semi-long hair

30. I have lost money in Las Vegas

31. I have at least one brother and/or one sister

32. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

33. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis

34. I have a twin

35. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past

36. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

37. I like the way that I look sometimes

38. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months

39. I am usually pessimistic

40. I have a lot of mood swings

41. I think prostitution should be legalized

42. I think Britney Spears is hot

43. I have cheated on a significant other in the past

44. I have a hidden talent - maybe, but if so, it's hidden from me, too

45. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have

46. I think that I'm popular

47. I am currently single

48. I have kissed someone of the same sex

49. I enjoy talking on the phone

50. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants

51. I love to shop

52. I would rather shop than eat

53. I would classify myself as ghetto

54. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders

55. I'm obsessed with my online journal

56. I don't hate anyone.

57. I'm a pretty good dancer

58. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington

59. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

60. I have a cell phone

61. I believe in God

62. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis

63. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months

64. I love drama

65. I have never been in a real romantic relationship before

66. I have rejected someone before

67. I currently have a crush on someone

68. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

69. I want to have children in the future.

70. I have changed a diaper before

71. I've called the cops on a friend before

72. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club

73. I'm not allergic to anything

74. I have a lot to learn

75. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger (LoL the closest i got was 8 yrs older .. tee hee hee)

76. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie

77. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes

78. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message

79. I have at least 5 away messages saved (morelike 50)

80. I have tried alcohol or drugs before

81. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past

82. I own the "South Park" movie

83. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Mindsay

84. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum

85. I enjoy some country music (or LOTS of country music)

86. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza

87. I watch soap operas whenever I can

88. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist

89. I have used my sexuality to advance my career

90. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all

91. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"

92. Halloween is awesome

93. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it

94. I have dated a close friend's ex

95. I'm happy as of this moment

96. I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s

97. I haven't showered in two days

98. I'd rather be in Germany than anywhere else.

99. Im obsessed with getting manicures/pedicures

100. I want to visit Italy either for the first time or again...

101. I'm one of those types who are easily amused; the stupidest of things can make me laugh.

102. i've cried within the last week

103. I have flirted with someone I didnt like just to get something out of it.

104. I like at least three British Comedy TV Shows

105. I have overslept and missed my classes

106. I've been on TV

107. I listen to music no matter what I am doing

108. I yell at the TV when I watch sports

109. I miss being homeless

110. I've been cheated on before by a significant other

111. I've killed someone before

112. I have eaten squid before...and I've liked it.

113. I've been on cops once or twice

114. I hate men, and also women, I hate all human kind

115. I had a crush on my friend's bestfriend.

116. I think Hilary Duff is a bitch

117. I have gotten raped before.

118. Ive hit someone with a car before

119. I have been betrayed too many times to count

120. I have mad b-ball skillz.

121. I'm afraid of fire

122. I've been called a fungus several times in my life.

123. I think people should finish eating before they speak.

124. Sometimes I pretend I don't care even though I do

125. Sometimes I smile and pretend nothing's wrong, and everyone believes it

yoinked this from KRRRISSY .. i should really be backing my room right now .. but I just can't find the movitation! i'm gonna go try to find some!